News from "The Ward"

Since my 2ND day here, I have felt absolutely stellar. I have began to use the skills I had already known but been too bull headed to put into action. Plus I have used many skills that I learned here for the first time. Being surrounded by folks who have similar issues to me has been a huge help. I do not judge any of these people and feel genuine compassion for each of them knowing that they struggle from the same saddening things I do. Some of the "veterans" that were here when I first arrived helped me along and coached me. They explained to me that I had nothing to fear here, that the doors were locked, the staff was caring, and that the other patients here understood the troubles I had and would do anything they could to help me overcome my fears.

Well, today a new woman came onto the ward who has massive anxiety and fear concerns as I did. Our first group this morning was a "Goals" group. We all set goals for the day and her goal was to not be afraid all day. The EXACT same goal I had on my first day. Like me, she braved the group of strangers on her first day though she broke down halfway through the session. Amazingly enough, in my eyes, not enough attention was being given to this poor woman suffering from massive fear and anxiety. I cut off the counselor who was in mid-sentence about some random thing and said, "Ya know, I am sorry, but I have to say something. I feel an obligation to chime in and comfort Nadia." And as I started to explain how I felt the same way she does right now on my first day, I broke down myself remembering how damn scared I was and remembering the pain I have suffered the last few years with this debilitating fear. And I explained to her, as the '"veterans" did when I first arrived to me, that of all the places in the world, this was the safest place she could be. All of the other patients here feel her pain and will do anything in their power to help her through it. The staff here is incredibly helpful, compassionate, and available.

I am still confused as to why, 3 hours after this incident I am still so upset. I am not sure if it is because I feel so bad for Nadia, or if it is because I keep flashing back to when I first arrived, sunglasses on, ducking from chair to pillar, anything to hide behind to get from my room to the dining room to the group room. I see her right now, from where I sit, still crying. I want to walk into her room and talk to her, but that is verboten. Patients can not be in each others rooms period. I want to go knock on her door, and offer my hand to her to come to a common area and talk. But I know if someone were to have done that to me I would have refused. I do not want to make her anymore uncomfortable than she already is. I just want to explain to her that I think if she comes out and faces the fear, it will go away sooner.

I will have to continue this later as I must go to another group session. I begged the nurses to let me use my laptop to type this because I know after I do I will feel better. The nurses adamantly said yes, but gave me only 10 minutes to do so.

until then...

Ð