After Release Blues?

Well, after being home now for 24 hours my mood is nothing what I thought it would be.

I am virtually 100% anxiety free as long as I reverse that inner-voice that is telling me why I need to be fearful.

I still have to work on my self affirmations but I have no fears leaving the house.

I no longer think folks are looking at me in a negative way. If they are looking at me it is most likely because they can feel the positive energy coming from me, they are drawn to my genuine compassion for other humans, or they like my shoes. =)

I now feel that it is everyone else who must do "extra things" to compare to me rather than me do extra things to compare to them.

Do I still compare myself? Yes I do. (Sorry Sandi) But when I compare myself, I always come out on top. I do not have any specific reasons. For instance, I do not think, "Oh, my hair is better than his." or "I am skinnier than her." I simply know I am a better person in general than most of the folks I will encounter in my daily life.

I also understand that a huge majority of the folks I will encounter have the same issues I do and now realize that no one is paying a damn bit of attention to me. They are more worried about how they look, how they are carrying themselves, and what I am thinking of them.

Loyda and I got in the car last night to go to my therapy appointment and we were halfway down the driveway before it dawned on me that I just walked out of the house, got in the car, and was on my way to a public place with zero anxiety.

Then can someone please explain to me why I am so sad and emotional?

Should I not be ridiculously happy? I set out to eradicate fears that have controlled my life for, in one degree or another, for over 15 years and I succeeded.

I SUCCEEDED!

My wife is no longer crying tears of pain and stress of paying bills, or having to work long hours. Her tears now are filled with happiness, love, relief, and proudness.

I can go back to work!

I can go out to dinner with my family!

I can visit friends at bars!

I can participate in family members' sporting events SOBER!

There are so many reasons why I should be happy. Alas, I am not. When I think in the past of a seriously stressful situation with my anxiety, I cry. When I think of my friends at The Ward, I cry. When I hear a sad song, I cry.

Is it the fear of failing yet again? Is it the fear of the anxiety rearing its ugly head? Is it the fear of change? I will try to get a finger on it in the coming days.

~Ð