Leveled Emotions and Anticipation...

Well, it is now Day 9 since I was released from The Ward. Though I feel as if my emotional state has appeared to level off a bit, I still find myself getting teary eyed at semi-sad movies and I still refuse to listen to songs or music that will get me thinking about the past, or anything sad for that matter. This is a bit upsetting to me as I love my Native American Love Flute music but it reminds me too much of the sadness and fear of the past and it reminds me of my father and mother whom I dearly miss. Simply thinking of them gets my emotions rocking.
I still find myself thinking of my friends from The Ward during quiet times here at home. If you know me at all, you know I am not a religious man yet I find myself saying my own little "prayers" for the men and women I met there. I do hope they all have found the answers and strength to pull themselves through their issues like I have.

On a sidenote, Don, I know you read this. Please call me buddy. I do not wish to bother you if you do not want to be bothered, but please call me and let me know you are OK. :) I am still chomping at the bit to get together. I'd love for you to meet my family.

Some comments from readers left me to believe that some of you may not understand my "Pay it Forward" concept in previous posts. I got this term from a movie I watched 7 or 8 years ago. Believe it or not the name of the movie is Pay It Forward. Obviously little Trevor had a huge impact on me for me to remember his class project this many years after seeing the movie. As soon as I left The Ward, I went out and rented, and then bought the movie. I will link where you can read exactly what Pay it Forward means to those that have not seen the movie. I also will link the WIKI page for it, as it explains where the term originated.

Please, if you have time, go to these links as understanding the term means all the difference in the world.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pay_it_forward - WIKI SITE

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0223897/ - MOVIE INFO

ANTICIPATION! It is what I am feeling daily. The anticipation gets stronger as the days go on. This is pure pleasant anticipation. Nothing bad in the least. What am I anticipating you ask? Well, my upcoming trip to El Salvador of course! Passports are complete and in hand. Tickets bought. Bags semi-packed. I am now working on minor details on a daily basis. Like, who is going to take us to Seatac and pick us up. Telling the Post Office we will be gone and to hold our mail. Calling the credit card companies and letting them know we are going overseas and not to shut off our cards when they see charges from out of country etc.

I am dying to get back to work. I stopped into the Tacoma Costco yesterday to pick up some meds. I noticed an employees nametag said he worked in Produce. I asked him if he still did and we sat and talked about working in Produce for a few minutes. When I walked away from him, it really hit me hard. I wanted to go to work right then. If I can concentrate on killing any and all anxiety, and not allowing what folks say and do affect my day in the negative as well as keep my "perfectionist" streak in check, I should be OK. That is alot of things to pay attention to but I think I can manage. However, everyone is telling me to take my time getting back into the swing of work. Doctors, therapists, family, friends. Everyone except me! :) Sitting at home now is even worse then when I had serious anxiety issues. Now I know I can do anything yet, I still don't/can't. It is quite frustrating.

Anyhow, I wish you all well and hope to hear from you all soon. Oh, for those that I got a little snippy with about "How I am feeling" the first few days off The Ward, please understand I was and still am a bit adamant to talk about it. I don't know, I guess I do not want to think about the past or hex my new-found freedom. This was not meant to intentionally shut out or upset anyone. I hope ya'll would know me better than that.

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