The sunrays in this photo depicted how I felt as I walked into Fred Meyer this morning. Rays of hope and freedom. Warmth and calmness. I have yet to figure out if it was the medication that caused the lack of anxiety, or the self-coaching I did before I left the house all the way into the parking lot. It did take me a few minutes to get out of the car, but nothing like before. I found myself purposely looking at other shoppers and employees in the eyes and saying good morning to them. Something I would not do on a normal outing EVER.
I was asked if I was finding everything alright by an employee and my usual response would be yes even if I honestly hadn't been abe to find something. But my reply to the employee was, "Actually Sir, No. I am unable to find a 12-pack of Cherry Coke Zero. The shelf it is normally on is empty." He came back a few minutes later with the 12-pack I was looking for.
On my way out the door, I did start breathing a little heavy and I did start to sweat. But ya know what? I got my butt inside that store, did what I came there to do and accomplished the mission even though it was a small mission to begin with. The trip inside the store lasted about 25-30 minutes. My purposely browsing things I knew I didn't need to buy just to test myself.
Loyda and I had a wonderful, "This is how I feel. How do you feel", discussion lastnight which made me feel even closer to this woman. And yes, you folks know me not to be much of a religious person, but damn do I thank God or "someone" that they brought her and her daughters into my life. Kimberly, Lil' Loyda, and Loyda make my life so happy even when I am thrust so deep into depression and guilt. I know that no matter how terrible I feel about a certain aspect of my life, I wil always have them to fall back on and enjoy. Loyda, Lil' Loyda, and my princess Kimmie..., Ti Amo Mi Mui Bonitas!!! Thinking of this discussion and how much I love them, I bought them both an arrangement of flowers at Fred Meyers. The next time Lil' Loyda is onj the webcam with us, I will have to show her them via the cam.
Anyhow, I have some cleaning up to do this afternoon. Playing Mr. Mom keeps me busy. =) Dishes, vacuuming, windows, bathroom, kitchen, Kimmie's room *choke*. hehe. I actually enjoy it. It is like working at costco just without all of the stress. I can start with a torn up house and when I am done, I can see the accomplishment.
In my next post, I will discuss and explain what a normal day or a normal outing would be like for me without any medications and my newly learned (sorta learned) cognitive therapy. Keep an eye out. And in a future post, I will list all of the frustrations I have living with these problems. To give you all an idea of how it cuts me off at the knees everytime I turn around.
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