Well this afternoon Loy Dee and I went to our (my) second appointment with the psychologist to learn this Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I was not all that excited to go but I was pretty doped up on Klonopin and Xanax. I was however, looking forward to learning how to control the anxiety once it started. So, we got in his office and sat down on the proverbial couch and he asked me the same question as he always does, "On a scale of one to ten, what is your anxiety level right now?" I told him it was a 6 but that I was pretty high on Klonopin and Xanax. For the next hour, he gave Loyda and I a run down of the complete nervous system. I don't know about Loyda, but I was struggling to keep my eyes open. The entire time I was thinking to myself, "Look dude, I want to learn the techniques to calm myself when the anxiety strikes." I honestly didn't, and still do not think my going over the nervous system (something I have known since the 9th grade and learned over the years of taking all of these depressional drugs) is going to help me learn techniques of how to calm my little scared butt down.
I remember once my father (Hi Dad) and I had a discussion when I asked him for help with Algebra. He explained to me how to do it and I asked him, "But why does it go like that? Why wouldn't it go this way?" He, in a pretty stern voice said, "It doesn't matter why Dave. This is how it is done. Do not question it, just remember the rules." If I were to apply what my father said to me about Algebra, the rules are:
- When I am in public, I panic.
- When I panic, my body shuts down.
- When my body shuts down, I run for the hills to hide.
I am not interested in questioning the rules when it comes to my anxiety. And trust me, I have the rules of my anxiety DOWN PAT! I am simply interested in stopping the process before the rules are in place. And I DO NOT need to know that the knee bone is connected to the leg bone to stop this process.
To put it short... we spent $200 today to learn nothing more than what a synapses is and how medications block natural chemicals from reacting with the synapses (something I learned when I was first put on Paxil. I wanted to know how it worked), where the brain stem attaches to the spinal cord etc.
I have two words for the session today... Shull Bit!
SHHhhh... Listen.... do you hear the cash register? I bet he did all the way home in his Jaguar.
Don't take my negativity in this post to mean I am thinking of stopping my appointments with the psychologist. I, in fact, have no plans of it. I just wish he would quit milking the cat (and my damn wallet) and get to the meat of the issue and teach me how to calm myself. I guess you could consider my acting like this as a typical person with ADD. The ADDer doesn't like to himself, nor want others to beat around the bush, he just wants the low down laid out in front of him instantly.
So long for now!
Ðave
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