Is all this really worth it?!

Well, this is day 9 of taking Klonopin everyday. Everyone I have spoken to (Loyda, Mom, Tom etc) has told me that there is an obvious difference in my speech and mannerisms. I am very slow at everything I do. I trip, stumble and lose my balance a lot. The instant Niko came over his first words to me were, "Are you OK Dad?" Having my son see me in such a state where I have zero control over myself makes me so angry, so sickened. I want that young man to think his Dad is freakin' Superman. Ryan on the other hand is oblivious. He takes notice of next to nothing. Either that or he does and just says nothing.


Last night, while taking a shower, I lost my balance, fell and crushed my right cheekbone on the edge of the tub. Yeah, I have a nasty gash there now.


I usually take one tablet when I wake up in the morning and then another at around 4 or 5pm. Almost every night after taking the 2nd tablet, I get so dizzy and nauseous, I throw up. Kinda like the guy in the photo to the left. But I don't get any on the side of the toilet. =)


The feeling while on Klonopin is like I drank WAY too much alcohol. If I close my eyes or move my head too fast, I throw up. This would explain why my movements are so slow.
I haven't gone out since my last Fred Meyer trip on May 5th but I think I will pack all three kids in the car and run a couple of errands that I don't think Loyda will have time to do. I am confident that Niko will pay close attention to Kimmie and Ryan since my attention will be focused on controlling my anxiety.

Loyda and I got some very good news yesterday. And as happy as I was for her, I still have this sickening guilty feeling that we as a couple, or her being single would be much better off if I was without this BS. Am I saying I want to split apart? Am I saying my marrying her was a mistake?

**********HELL NO!**********

I am so incredibly happy with Loyda when I am not thinking if the anxiety and disorders. I want so bad to surprise her and take her out to dinner by ourselves one night because I know she craves that something awful. Perhaps someday soon in the future.


I left a message for Dr. Kina yesterday explaining the dizziness and stumbling and falling. Asking if maybe I should lower the Klonopin dose. He will not be back in his office until May 14th so I will have to wait for an answer until then. Until then, I am taking exactly what he told me to. When he gave me this medication he specifically said DO NOT stray from the instructions I have written. To do so could cause serious problems. If he decides to stay at this dose, I am not real sure how I am going to stock at Costco on it. I am much too unstable on my feet to work in a warehouse with 10,000 pound forklifts flying all over the place.
So I guess the waiting game is on. Once I find out from Dr. Kina what his plans are, I will of course post here.






Prayers and good wishes go out to Uncle Art. Hang in there. I know "Grizzly Adams" will pull through this minor set back. =)



Bless you all and I hope SOMEONE is reading this. I miss each and every one of you. I wish we all lived close together like we used to. I miss having daily conversations with you guys.

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