Paycheck Woes (Archived Registers)

Today my paycheck was considerably less than it normally is. I was forced to take a day off due to a reaction from ingesting too much Methylin and not eating enough. I have been too nervous to stay in the building after 10:30am or 11:00am all last week and most of this week.

Loyda again made degrading comments about my inability to make enough money. I have trouble enough with my own thoughts about not being able to provide for my family. I take what my wife says very hard. It hurts more than anything.

I am starting to get "talked to" at work for not doing what i am expected. I don't do what i am supposed to do because I am afraid I will explode on a fellow co-worker and the things they want me to do include 10 or more employees all working within very close proximity to each other. I again am starting to get nervous around people while on Methylin. The medication seems to be losing its effectiveness in curbing the anxiety.

I understand I have ADD and I am happy I finally understand why I am so much different than your "normal" person. I can deal, live, and accept the ADD. I can NOT deal, live, or accept the social disorder and resulting anxiety I am experiencing. The mood swings were getting worse but they seem to be getting much better since I started taking Celexa once a day. Of course now that I am taking Celexa, my sexual experiences with my wife are suffering. She is very beautiful to me and it is frustrating as hell to have her giving me signs that she is willing and my unit will not cooperate. After a failed attempt, she was rather upset. I tried to explain to her that it was the Celexa and had nothing to do with her or how I felt about her. I don't think she believed me and she started to cry.

I got to thinking the other night all of the things I can not do because of this affliction...

1. I can not go out with my wife or with my friends.

2. I can not go to work and support my family like every man should.

3. I can not eat normally.

4. I can not change jobs. Entering an interview scares me to death.

5. I can not get a 2nd job. Interview problem again.

6. I can not control my temper.

7. I can not advance at my current job because I am never there. When I am there, I am like a scared little rabbit.

8. I can not be relied upon. If someone asks me to help them with something, or do something for them, I usually say yes thinking I can do it but when the time comes, I am too afraid. Or I just plum forget.

9. I can never buy the house my lovely wife deserves. not knowing when this dragon will rear his ugly head, I can not afford to get myself too far into debt.

10. And now with Celexa, I can not enjoy sexual relations with my own wife.

... and people, Mom, Dad, Loyda, co-workers, bosses, doctors, all wonder why I am so depressed, stressed, upset, pissed off, sad, have poor self -esteem, and am generally messed up in entirety?

I knew once I went through my divorce with Jennifer that I had to get help for this. I knew I could never get married again. It would not be fair to my new wife. In my opinion, it was irresponsible for me to marry Loyda and allow this lovely woman and her amazing daughters to rely on me to support them. But when I met them, I wanted them in my life. I love them so much. I am so happy to have them. But maybe what I did by marrying Loyda was selfish, irresponsible, self-centered. But I had to. I fell in love with them both very quickly. I am so lucky to have them in my life.

I MUST find a way to remove, fix, eliminate, stop this goddamn anxiety issue. I MUST! I can not go on disappointing Loyda, my parents, my co-workers, and my managers.