Honestly, I am not all that copacetic about how things are going now. After thinking about exactly what is amiss, I do think I have come to the realization as to what is causing my misery. Unable to hide it, or pretend it does not exist, I am going to list seven things, items, words. I am not sure what to call them. Let me just list them.
1. Alone Time
2. Responsibilities
3. Reliance
4. Overwhelmed
5. Safe Haven
6. Uncontrolled Emotions
7. Unfairness
Now let me explain each and tell you just how important they are to me and why.
1. Alone Time - This is time when I am totally alone to gether my thoughts, talk to God, Ponder my next coping mechanism, or to just relax and calm down from past experiences. Alone time could last 10 minutes, or 4 hours. there is never a set, or given time. When I feel I have recovered and ready to face new challenges, my alone time can end. With no alone time, my day, my week, becomes jumbled, confusing, and overwhelming.
2. Responsibilities - As an adult, everyone has them. Some more than others. I do not think my load of responsibilities is overly high. On the contrary, I think my load is quite low. Why? Well, I make it this way. I do my best to limit the amount of responsibilities I have because I know my history. I know how easily I become overwhelmed. I have a tough time with the limited amount of responsibilities I do have due to uncontrolled emotions, forgetting, putting them off, and a lack of Alone Time. I do my best, but 90% of the time, my best is far from good enough.
3. Reliance - Being reliable is something I yearn for. I do now, I have in the past, and I will in the future. I do not want to be the guy who:
-does not show up when he said he will.
-does not finish what he started.
-does not go when he says he will.
-does not stop when he says he will.
But I am. I am all of these and more. In my eyes, an unreliable person is worthless.
4. Overwhelmed - Overwhelmed is something I feel on a daily basis. Mainly from exposure to people. But I am overwhelmed by many other things throughout the day. With my inability to focus, or stop focusing, my sickeningly faultering memory, and my "odd" way of handeling priorities, makes getting overwhelmed by everything and everyone very easy. Once I am overwhelmed, my intense desire to cover it up, and fix it before anyone notices usually makes things worse.
5. Safe Haven - A safe haven is a place where I can go to partake in my Alone Time. A stress-free, quiet place to relax or stew. With a lack of a Safe Haven, my Alone Time is nonexistant.
6. Uncontrolled Emotions - This is the cause of 98% of my problems. If I am happy, I am crazy happy. If I am sad, grab the box of tissues because I am sickeningly sad. I am assuming my extreme emotions are due to my ADD medication. If the medication will allow me to focus on tasks, it surely will force me to focus on emotions, good or bad. If only I were able to control these emotions and not allow them to plunge me into serious depression (sad), or make me act like a fool (happy).
7. Unfairness - Unfairness is something that has been on my mind for a few years now. Is it fair for another human to be plunged into life with me and all of these problems, stipulations, requirements, quirks? No. It definitely is not.
So, what do these have to do with me? I will try to sum it up.
When 6 occurs, I need 1 and 5.
If there is no 1 and 5, this creates 4.
4 makes 2 fly out the window.
Lack of tending to 2, there is no 3.
Without 3, creates massive amounts of 7.
Ð
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